Diagnosis

Have you ever seen yourself on paper?  For me it was quite daunting.  I know I have bipolar disorder; I am keenly aware of my symptoms, and the challenges they create in my life.  Still the medicalese was overwhelming.

My most recent appointment with my Pdoc was 1/5/12 with diagnoses of Bipolar I with psychosis versus schizoaffective disorder.  My other psychiatric diagnoses include Cluster B traits with self-harming behaviors and Cluster C traits with social isolation, post-traumatic stress disorder and chronic insomnia.  Whew!

Let's pull all of that in layman's terms.  I have difficulty with concentration and attention due to high anxiety and internal dialogues with voice(s).  I have maladaptive behavior such as cutting~~yes, I am a cutter~~and hitting myself, isolating and secluding myself from others.  I don't much like people~~well, that isn't true~~I just don't like spending time with them.  I also have chronic suicidality, persistent depression, and emotional lability (mood swings).  While I haven't had a loss of orientation, I have had episodes of loss of reality.  I have had periods of auditory hallucinations and vague feelings of dread.

My comorbid medical diagnoses include fatigue and excessive daytime sleepiness, migraines, tremors, asthma, allergic rhinitis, anemia, hypertension, and post status squamous cell carcinoma (yes, skin cancer).

I almost wish I didn't know all of this, but then again I knew, didn't I?  When anyone strips away all of the good or positive things about themselves, they can hardly help but be shocked and depressed.

Bipolar has a way of putting blinders on us, often we can't see or even remember the good things in the midst of an episode~~that is a definite liability.  Still I am thinking that knowing my diagnosis thoroughly gives me the opportunity to set boundaries for bipolar in my life.  As long as there are boundaries, I think I can live with bipolar and have a better perspective on my life.